There is a verse found in Acts 26:14 that goes like this, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.” Another translation of the final sentence (per Google) is “It is useless to fight against my will.”
I’ve grown up attending church and hearing sermons and attending Bible classes my entire life. I’m familiar with scripture and I can recall it in times of anxiety, fear, loss, etc. as a means of guidance or comfort. The Holy Spirit and its workings are hard for me to grasp and understand. I believe in it. But I don’t get it. So I don’t know that I look for it or listen to it in my life. Until recently I’ve been under the impression that I’ve been living my life for God. And I have. But as I’ve matured I’ve learned that what I’ve technically been doing is living my life for the approval and acceptance of highly esteemed (by me) Godly people. So I’ve been going to church. Trying to learn. Wanting to be a good person. Living a moral life. Attempting to display Godly characteristics. Trying to help others. Praying to God. Thanking God. Believing in God. But never “listening” to God or “seeking” His will beyond what I understood the daily walk of a Christian to look like.
After a year of wading through loss my perspective on life shifted and with that my perspective on this business. I do love clothes and jewelry but none of that really seemed all that important anymore. I wanted to keep my boutique running but I decided to start using the blog to share more in depth and encouraging thoughts. I came at you with this messaging of like, “I’m still here and I’m still me! But I’m going to go a little deeper with you. That’s all!” And I meant it then, but I don’t anymore. Why? Because I’m tired of kicking against the goads.
A while back I shared “It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better.” I wrestled for a week with sharing it (while I also considered the content, spelling etc. as any halfway amateur author would do, of course.) I wrestled with it because while many of my previous posts have shared a snippet of my beliefs- none of them have had anything spiritual as the sole focus. Until that one. And it made me uncomfortable. I want to be encouraging, not offensive. I like to be well-liked rather than shunned in various groups. And while most people are not problematic- the internet can be very unkind. While I was wrestling with this- a fleeting thought crossed my mind. “Why do you kick against the goads?”. But I quickly moved on. A day or two later the idea for a sympathy card with a Bible verse on it came to mind and I drew it out. I loved it. I sent pics to my family. I was so proud of it. Then came time to share it and the nerves set in. And then a fleeting thought… “Why do you kick against the goads?”
My Wednesday night class at church is studying spiritual growth and so far I’ve felt like I could teach every lesson because I’m in my own spiritual growth journey right now.
It hasn’t been pretty. There have been lots of tears from me lately. I’ve had to accept some things about myself that I don’t like. But I’ve also learned a thing or two about peace.
Sometimes in our earthly mind’s attempt to understand our “gifts” or our “calling” we complicate the concept or avoid it altogether because, like the Holy Spirit, we don’t understand it. It seems so arrogant and self righteous to think we know our gifts and to parade them. But I think often it’s because when we consider our own gifts we are trying to figure out what we are good at and what we think the Lord can use us to do or even sometimes how to monetize it (because it's going to take up our time and financial resources). It’s a lot of “me”, “I”, “us”. In truth, our calling is to share the word of God. And when you’ve heard that calling it’s a simple “ok”. I like to create. I like to receive cards. I like to write. I am very proud personally of anything I have ever created or written, but if you asked me if I’m good at it my confidence would wane and I wouldn’t be able to give you a solid answer. But when I realize God is calling me to share His story, purpose and love the answer is a simple ok and the means flows from me in word and creations. And in that I have found peace and confidence.
I've been trying to live in the world and not of the world. That is scriptural, right? I can’t remove myself from this world. I can’t only be in circles of other Christian’s if I am to work, grocery shop, get my car fixed and whatever daily tasks of life require me to be out and about and in the world. And honestly I don't want to. Some of my best friends don't share the same beliefs or practices as me. But what I have been doing is less like “being in the world but not of the world”, and a lot more like straddling the fence with a heavy lean to the worldly side.
If you looked at my life from the outside you might think I’m being over dramatic (I actually hope you do). Because I have been trying to live a Godly life. I’m certainly not perfect as is no other human being. But overall my attributes and activities hopefully have pointed toward a Godly life. But I’ve been kicking against the goads when it comes to “listening”, “seeking” and accepting His calling.
And so, you’re going to see a change in me. And in my writing. I’m not someone who is wanting to get into doctrinal arguments. I’m not someone who is trying to get into or start polarizing debates. But I am someone who is tired of trying to suppress parts of me to fit in with people who might not accept it.
I don't want any of my readers to feel like they've been part of a bait and switch effort since I obtained most of them through my boutique business. I just want to be upfront that I am growing and changing every day and have had a major change since I started this business. You're going to start seeing more spiritual blog content and fewer disclaimers about God being part of the conversation. You might see some changes to my product line like the inclusion of cards with Bible verses. But I am still me just hopefully a better version of me.
And I hope this opens your eyes if you're walking a similar line. I hope turning 33 and experiencing multiple hardships of life really solidifies who I am, what I believe, where I spend my time and how I seek Him. And I hope there's a lesson for you in there too somewhere if you need it.
I'm not going to kick against the goads in the sense that I will refuse to listen or hear how God can use me but I will kick against the goads of what the world tells me I should be or need to be so that God can prune me and help me to bloom, even in the winters of life.
I don't understand spiritual gifts fully. I still feel uncomfortable trying to think of what I'm "good" at. But I do know I love people. I do know I love being with people and being a friend to people. And I do know that I'm going to go forward more open and willing to see how God can use me to be a light to others and that is, at the very least, the beginning of growth.
Sincerely,
Monica
Comments