Untitled

I had a hard time thinking of a name for this post. I typed the whole thing out without a title. The software that I use categorized it as "Untitled". I spent time trying to think of a name and the longer I tried to think of one the more that "Untitled" began to feel appropriate. This post is about being in God's presence, but it's written from a place in my heart when I didn't feel in His presence. And the longer I pondered a title about His presence the more I came to the conclusion that not being in His presence feels a little bit like "untitled". Empty. Nothingness. I come full circle at the end but since I'm writing to process my own feelings and potentially help someone in the same journey as me, I didn't want the title to reflect the end of this journey but the beginning and the middle. So with that, here are my untitled thoughts.

Some things in life are definite. Like the fact we will never get answers to all of our questions in this lifetime. I will never know why I didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandpa like I prayed to have. I will never know why a mother/father has to watch their child die of cancer. I will always regret that I didn't reach out more to my uncle. And I'll never understand why babies suffer. It's no secret if you've been following along that I've recently been in a season of questioning God. Questioning his goodness, whether he was listening, and just his general presence in my life. I prayed a series of prayers that were all answered no. These prayers were all different requests, but ultimately all in relation to prolonging life. grief can be isolating. Grieving in isolation and repeatedly asking for things that don't appear to be heard or are answered with "no" leading to more grief feels like you are not only isolated from your peers, but also isolated from God.

This world is hard enough to navigate when you believe in God. It gets really dark when you feel like He has turned His back on you and left you.

One Wednesday night in class this past summer, we were asked where we feel God's presence the most. I didn't need to reflect very long at all. My answer will always be when I travel or spend time in nature. I grew up in a family that loved to travel and encouraged it. I've been blessed to see a good portion of the United States and even a handful of countries in my lifetime. One thing that always hits me whether I'm hiking in the mountains out west, standing at the edge of an ocean, or admiring the countryside of a foreign country is how awesome and powerful and amazing God is that he would give us this world. The majestic mountains, the vast oceans, and even the ability that we as humans can design and build these large and energetic cities. Seeing the various cultures makes me marvel at the general human design for lack of better words to communicate my thoughts. As I pondered that question and my answer I began to think about the "year of loss" as we will call it.

My boss approached either at the end of 2022 or the beginning of 2023 before anything had happened and asked me about traveling to a marketing conference in Las Vegas which took place the first weekend of May. Since work paid for my portion, I was able to pay to bring Matt along. I spent two and a half days learning about marketing in a super fun atmosphere. And I spent two nights exploring the city with Matt.

My cousin got married in Minnesota on Memorial Day weekend. Matt and I piled in the car with my parents, my sister, and her two dogs for an overnight car ride to not only see and enjoy a visit with family, but also to experience Matt's first trip to Minnesota.

In June I had the joy of attending the Outdoor Retailer show with Matt. Because his work paid for us to be there- we were able to afford to extend the trip a couple of days and explore Colorado. We saw the house my dad and grandparents lived in during their time in Greeley, CO. We had dinner and a cozy stay in Estes Park, CO and got to see Breckenridge, CO.

In August, my family and cousins joined together in Glacier National Park to spread my grandparents ashes in their final resting place. It was my first time to Montana and a moving trip to a breathtaking place which my dad and aunt agreed the estate would pay for. They made this choice together and if they hadn't, I doubt we would have been able to afford to go. We also got to see the house they lived in during their time growing up in Missoula, MT while on this trip.

In September, we traveled to California where Matt's uncle owned a townhouse and offered to let us to stay for free. We spent a soul restoring day on the Santa Monica Pier, took a drive by the house my grandparents brought their newborn son (my dad) home to, hiked the beautiful coastline of Malibu, made memories we will forever cherish, and fell in love with the state. He was likely going to be selling his townhome soon and if he hadn't offered us this opportunity that we felt like we had to take advantage of, we likely would not have been able to afford this type of trip on top of the other things we did that year and potentially not at all wver depending on costs of room and board.

Now, if you will allow me to set the stage and timeline before I try to wrap this thought up with a pretty bow.

My grandparents passed away in February. In June, August, and again in September I got to connect with a piece of their history I've only ever heard about because of trips I was given the opportunity to take and that were not connected to each other in any shape, form, or fashion. In May I got to travel to Vegas and Minnesota. I've been at my job 10 years and not had the opportunity to travel. (I'm not complaining just setting the stage of how rare an opportunity that was. It isn't a part of my job description or anyone's at my office for that matter).

I don't have a large family. We aren't attending weddings every two or three years in my family and due to the distance and commitments where we each live we don't get to be together all that often. But we got to be together in a time when we all needed a little healing to not only celebrate the end of two beautiful lives but the beginning of a new life together for my cousin and his wife. My uncle passed away unexpectedly in July just shortly before we headed to Montana. In a time of some emotional upheaval, we were in the most peaceful and beautiful setting I've ever visited.

One of my best childhood and lifelong friends passed away from cancer in August with a lifelong elderly neighbor following just a day or two later. In September my extended family experienced a heart breaking loss (I'm still not totally comfortable sharing any details because it isn't my story so I'll just leave you with death of a loved one is hard whether they were 96, 32 or newborn). But then, I traveled to California and spent time in Santa Monica which I can only refer to from here on out as my "happy place".

Do you already get where I am going with this? God felt distant and far from me. I was isolated and bitter in my grief. He wasn't listening or even near to me anymore. Until months down the road, sitting in that class at church, I looked back on the previous year and saw that He was with me the whole time. He isn't the cause of my loss and I'll never know why He didn't give me what I asked for to prevent the hurt that was coming for me, but He was most definitely there with me through it and He was showing up in ways He knew I couldn't see yet, but that I needed.

I understood I was being given opportunities that don't come around every day. And I was greatly appreciative for each of them. And I guess that appreciation was directed toward God but kind of in a general sense? I was hardly praying by the end of the year. I acknowledged general feelings of appreciation kind of to him (because I don't believe in anything or anyone else), but not directly to him if that makes any sense. I believe in Him. I never stopped, but I wasn't sure where we stood at the moment and didn't really have the words to speak to him.

I was hurt. Sometimes when you are hurt you aren't willing or ready to listen to encouragement or voices of reason. He couldn't necessarily just "speak" to me and convince me in my bitter state that He was there. I very likely wouldn't have believed Him or listened if he did anyway.

But what could he do? He could allow me opportunities to be in His presence through a means that I could relate to. His creation. He could use this beautiful world and the creation He made just for me (and you) to enjoy to remind me somewhere deep in my subconscious that He actually was still near.

So, you may find yourself feeling a similar way. I'd first encourage you to read my blog "If you feel like God isn't listening". I'm not saying I've got answers. But it's practical steps I took to try to stay close to Him when I felt anything but. If you turn your back on Him completely then I don't know how your story could or will play out. But if you try to "control what you can control" as they say and do your part to stay close to Him when He feels anything but close, then I firmly believe there will come a day (hind sight is always 20/20) when you will realize that He was with you all along. And maybe things didn't go your way. And maybe you don't know why. And maybe it hurt you that they went the way they did. But at least you'll know He is still there. He does still care. And he's watching over you in His way. A way that is for you and not against you. A way that is unique to you and you only. Because He loves you so much to provide for you in that way that only He can.