A few years ago I had the privilege of attending a leadership seminar for women. One of the speakers was Celeste Headlee. She is a journalist and the author of “We need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter”. (I haven’t read her book yet, but I am adding it to my list of books to purchase). Her presentation was chock full of so much information, but my biggest takeaway that has stuck with me for years, in my simple brain’s summary, is this: when we engage in conversation with other humans face to face our brain waves actually sync up and engage a section of the brain that doesn’t engage otherwise (text, email, phone calls). She went on to say that the addition of technology, while valuable, prevents this occurrence and simultaneously studies show that with the addition of technology there is a decrease in empathy across mankind. Now, I don’t remember if these studies are actually linked or if she even implied that they were linked, but it is interesting to note the neuroscience side of things while considering the impact it might be having on our ability to relate to one another and how we treat one another.
This left an impression on me for many reasons, but one being that my husband and I watched a documentary on Ted Bundy shortly after I attended this seminar and I distinctly remember the psychologists that were interviewed noting how the studies done on him/with him while he was in prison note that he had no empathy. Not that he wasn’t great at it. That he just plum didn’t have it. I was immediately reminded of the decline in empathy Celeste had noted in her talk and wondered what that meant for the future of our society.
Recently, I joined some friends for a bible study on anxiety. Our society is filled with so much anxiety right now. And, I mean, it probably comes from our iced coffee consumption paired with murder documentaries, ha! But this study was focused on lies we allow ourselves to believe that cause our thoughts to spiral out of control. Technology came up and I referenced Celeste Headlee and then ended up researching her again and watching a one hour video of her speaking to employees at Google . She gave a very similar talk as I had heard the first time, but this time I had an entirely new takeaway. I already knew about the brain waves syncing and the decline in empathy across society, but I didn’t know that studies show that our individual ability to empathize with someone significantly declines 2 years after an “event”. Her example was divorce. If you’ve just gone through a divorce then you can completely empathize with a friend a few months later in the same situation. But say your friend was going through one 2+ years after your divorce. At that time, your brain only recognizes that everything turned out ok for you and so therefore your friend will be ok too and you approach “empathy” differently and maybe less in touch emotionally than you would have before (unintentionally).
Please allow me a few more moments of biblical reference because while I don’t intend for this blog to be a “ministry” the course of two bible studies is where this thought all truly came together for me. The girls in my anxiety bible study group were asked why we can’t talk to friends that help us stop the lies and anxiety train in its tracks and the unanimous answer was we don’t want to look like we don’t have it together to other people who do look like they have it all together. (Remember that). A few nights later I was working on a different bible study for a class at church. The passage of scripture we were reading was about Jesus walking through a town, passing a grieving woman who had just lost her only son, having empathy for her, and bringing her son back to life. Regardless of how you feel about Christianity, I do believe in Jesus and it hit me like a punch in the gut that (in my faith), the very person and the only person walking this earth at that time that could comfort this woman by saying without a doubt that her son was fine and good and in heaven with the Lord would have been Jesus. But you know what he didn’t do in this scripture? He didn’t say ANY of that. He didn’t tell her that her son was ok. He didn’t offer encouraging words about heaven. He didn’t try to give her perspective on her situation in the grand scheme of things. He just had empathy. (I think technically, according to the definition, he may have shown compassion rather than "empathy" but compassion is a response to empathy so I'm sticking with this blog being thoughts on empathy.)
We have anxiety in part because we look at social media and see people who look like they have it all together and we don’t. Our lives are falling apart. But the one thing that might help us is having a conversation with someone else. But we don’t because when we try to talk to people about the hard situation we are going through, instead of empathizing with us, they are quick to remind us that we have it so good compared to so many or they tell us not to worry because everything will be fine.
I’ve had this exact experience before and I know I’ve said similar things to others. But after experiencing a pretty hard year myself I realize that it isn’t what a hurting world needs. What a hurting world needs is empathy.
I’m not a proponent of wallowing in self pity and I do appreciate looking at life from a broader perspective. I know that I still have it pretty good even when things are hard for me. I need to be aware of that and recognize that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have hard days. And these same sentiments probably apply to you as well. I think there is a time and place for perspective shifting conversations and empathizing conversations. I also think that 90% of people are meaning to offer comfort when they mention a shift in perspective or words of empowerment to remind you that you will be ok. But knowing this tiny bit about our brains coupled with my experience lets me know that my words are not always received as I intended and gives me hope that I can intentionally change this behavior in myself when I am talking with others in the future.
I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even know how to tell you how to identify the difference in the time or place for a perspective shifting conversation versus an empathizing conversation. I just know empathy is needed desperately in the world we live in and I don't want to live in a world or even know what a world looks like where it continues to decline. And I also know it isn’t always given appropriately whether intended or not. But we can change that with intention. Empathy doesn’t mean you know the perfect thing to say. Empathy might just require sitting with someone and hugging them while they cry. It may just be admitting that there are no words for what they are feeling because words won’t bring their loved one back or change their situation. It might mean we take physical action to somehow carry a burden they mentally or emotionally cannot carry for themselves at this moment.
Everybody has a hard life. Nobody has it easy. At least not all the time. Everyone’s hard looks different but everything we are dealing with stems from the same roots. There is nothing new under the sun. Encouragement and empathy are not synonymous and too often I think our brain attempts to make them be. So, while I wanted to focus my blog on topics of encouragement, I think it is important to differentiate these two words. I’ll never be perfect and I’ll never know all the right things to say all the time. But I hope in my future encounters I will remember this. I hope when my heart goes out to someone I don’t immediately jump in to tell them everything is ok. I hope instead I can see the hurt lodged in their heart and just be…there...understanding...silent… and empathetic.
A song to complete the thought --> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0n-mYqB9WQ
A downloadable reminder -->
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