I don’t typically post this close together but since this is part two of “Getting Comfortable In The Waiting” I wanted to get it out there while those thoughts were still on your mind.
If you’ve read any of the posts I’ve shared so far then you know the last couple years of my life have been years of mourning and in my most recent post I shared that they have also been years of waiting. I’ve been down to say the least.
Life is hard. Everybody’s hard looks different. You may have it better than so many people. But you can still experience hard times. I do not at all want to take away from that. I don’t think we should. Your hard should be validated and acknowledged without judgment. But I also believe that we can’t let ourselves be caught in a pity party. As a christian I believe in the bible and try to live my life by the words of the bible. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” Waiting and loss don’t really set you up for rejoicing. In fact, they set you up for bitterness.
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Unfortunately, this is where I found myself recently. I allowed myself to be caught in a pity party for a bit and I neglected this command. And if we aren’t careful, it can lead to ruined relationships. Part of me doesn’t want to share this because it’s an uglier side of me that I have only recently met. But so many of you related to my “Getting Comfortable In The Waiting” post that I thought you might benefit from hearing this as well. Maybe you are much better people than I am. I hope so! But I am afraid that we are all just humans doing the best we can.
Rejoice with those that rejoice…
Rejoicing is pretty easy. I remember attending each of my friend’s weddings. I was so excited to be a part of them. I was so excited to be by their side to help them get ready and help them set up so they could have the perfect day. I loved them and was excited for the next adventure in their lives. When they started having kids it was next level exciting. To watch little personality traits develop and know exactly who to attribute that to or watch your friends become mothers is really such an awesome experience. It has been pretty easy for me to be excited for them. Even when things weren’t going swimmingly for me I was able to be happy for them because of the bonds and history we have shared.
But social media has added a new layer that I don’t think we are prepared for. (I promise this blog isn’t a social media bashing blog. I think like most things it has pros and cons. But the older I get the more I’m noticing the cons and the less the pros make up for them.) Social media makes you feel like you have friends that are really just acquaintances. It gives you access to influencers and people who don’t know you from Adam but are making their money off of telling you exactly what you need to make your life perfect, better, wealthier etc.
Before you know it, it feels like everyone has the fanciest most beautiful wedding, is recording videos in the trendiest kitchens, is buying million dollar houses, is having their first, second, and third baby and it’s just being shoved down your face every time you open up an app. At first- maybe it means nothing to you. But when you’ve been trying to have a baby for two years, when you have a 5 digit house foundation bill that you feel like you’ll never pay off, and when you are experiencing grief for the first time ever (or insert whatever your current struggle is) it creates this perfect storm. You start liking the baby announcements but not commenting any congratulations until one day you stop liking them all together. You stop hosting the showers until one day you avoid them completely. You start to distance yourself from events where you will be forced to talk to people going through these exciting times. And rejoicing with those that rejoice becomes really hard.
Mourn with those that mourn…
Mourning is the expression of deep sadness over someone who has died. As someone with a crash course in mourning recently I can say that when someone is in mourning- many of the things they once found joy in like sharing lunch and laughter with friends, shopping, even work etc. are suddenly frivolous and unimportant. Their values and priorities are changing. They may not have figured it out yet but they are seeing the world through an entirely new lens. A lens of loss, loneliness, and grief. Going to a friend’s wedding is a reminder they won’t have a date anymore or maybe that their child will never have that now. Mother’s Day is a reminder that they may never be one. When your friends are buying and remodeling houses for fun while you’re getting slapped with a 5 digit foundation bill you can’t pay it can feel like you will never get where you want to be. When you’re attending your final friend’s wedding single again it may feel like there is no one out there for you to share your life with.
When someone is in mourning it’s really hard to put on a big smile and act super happy for someone else. And when someone has just come away from the biggest high like having their first newborn miracle- it’s really hard to listen to someone’s sob story. I get it. It’s awkward. We don’t know how to respond or what will be the right thing to say. It’s hard.
But, life isn’t easy and we’ve got to figure out a way to navigate and live through the hard together. I’ve never claimed that this blog was going to have all the answers. I have claimed that writing helps me process and so my writing this is a way to hopefully instill some lessons deep within me and maybe encourage you that you aren’t alone in your struggles as you read these thoughts of mine. There are a few things (they might not qualify as “answers”) that I think I will leave you with regardless of whether you are in a stage of weeping or mourning.
Everything Isn’t About You. (Remember, I’m writing this to myself). A lesson the world often likes to remind us of because we often forget it is true. As much as it hurts to hear about all of these exciting things going on in the lives of others when we are in a season of mourning or waiting or whatever it may be- it’s equally hurtful to our friends when we don’t celebrate with them.
Remove Negative Influences- Social media acquaintances, influencers, etc. The grass is greener where you water it. Everyone wants what they don’t have regardless of what it looks like to you. Don’t allow people to make you miserable in life that don’t know you from Adam and don’t even care about you or your struggles even if they claim to. (This may be removing them for a season or forever. I follow one influencer that I actually find really encouraging. She is pregnant with her third child and her content is all about babies right now. I decided it was time to step away. But I don't think I will forever. I just know it’s not what I need right now.) It’s a lot easier to be happy for your true friends when you aren’t constantly being bombarded with these announcements and things from people you will never speak to or see in person. At the very least- accept social media for what it is and change your perspective on what you are consuming.
Be Empathetic- Relationships require conversations and honesty- We are created to be relational beings. Relationships involve putting yourself aside. They also require conversations and honesty. I’ve stated before that I think we often don’t talk about so much of what we are going through because people either try to offer advice or we feel judged for having problems. But if we aren’t talking about what we are going through then we can’t be bitter or mad when friends continue to talk to us about things that hurt us.
Show Compassion- If you are the friend of someone going through a season of struggle while you are in the highs of life- protect your friend through it. Help them navigate conversations that could be hurtful. Share your exciting news but be compassionate towards them in the way you do it. Acknowledge their hurt and situation. Take an interest in what is going on in their life if you want them to be interested and happy about yours.
Value True & Real Friendships- One or two really good friends is better than a million acquaintances. I'm lucky that I have a whole tribe of really good friends. Some seasons of life are busier than others but we always check in from time to time and make it a point to try to get together when we can. We talk about real life stuff and encourage each other. We help each other in whatever way we need. We rejoice and we weep together and if you are lucky enough to have that in your life then it doesn't really matter if the masses of society (or even the fringes of your friends group) are rejoicing or weeping with you.
My grandfather said that Romans 12 was his favorite chapter of the bible because “it tells you everything you need to know to be a Christian.” A pretty simple and matter of fact statement. If Christians, if the church, if I, if the world could learn this lesson I think everything would look a lot different.
I think if you want to package it all up in a pretty bow then what it all comes down to is love. When you love others you see them. You acknowledge their struggles and their accomplishments. You spend your time investing in that relationship rather than consuming content that feeds your misery. You walk alongside them instead of ahead of them. And when I turn this around and look inward at myself- even when I don’t feel like rejoicing, I can still love. And when life has me on cloud 9, I can still love my neighbor stuck under a storm cloud.
No pretty download or song to share today. Just these thoughts and another pic of my friends because it's cute and I love them.
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