My current daily bible study is not a topical one. It is a very simple one designed to meet you in whatever season of life you are in. There are 4 books to work through. Each with the same format. The morning starts with a place to list what you are thankful for, a scripture reading assignment, a place to take notes on what you read, and a place to write a prayer. This morning I reached the end of the first book and there was a blank page to write a summary of what you learned for each book of the bible that had been covered. I’ll be honest, it took me a long time to work through this study. I put it off for other studies. There were days I didn’t even touch it. So this morning I found myself trying to quickly flip through my various notes from each day so I could summarize what I had learned. In doing so, a thought came to me that I want to share here. It’s a thought born from my recent season of life, people and friendships that God has placed in my life to lead my thoughts to Him, and my quick flip through of my notes from the study I’ve been doing.
As I flipped through my notes on the book of Numbers I had all these notes about the Israelites grumbling and complaining. Working and toiling. Trying to rise up against their leaders in their state of discontent over their situation. And the setting of all these activities, emotions, and situations was the wilderness where they wandered for 40 years until God and His appointed leaders led them into the promised land.
I thought about my life and what I’ve been calling a season of waiting. A time that has been filled with slow, and at times painful, spiritual growth. But at the end of the day, growth. I’ve written posts that I have yet to share, but if I had shared them all you’d see me wading through:
Grief
Disappointments
A Weary Soul (not sleepy-tired. Weary-tired. There is a difference).
Discontent
Grumbling
Hurt
Acceptance
Humility
Self Evaluation
More Humility (like a lot more)
Growth
Sometimes I read about the Israelites and they A.N.N.O.Y. me to my core. And sometimes I read about them and see myself in their story. As I flipped through my notes this morning and took in what was happening at a 10,000 foot view I realized that my “season of waiting” kind of resembled the Israelites wandering in the wilderness. I think we read their story and think of them being punished for their sins. And in our own stories maybe we think the trials we are facing, especially when they just keep coming at us, are God punishing us as well. I’ve always been taught that humanity rebelled against God’s word and commands and sin and evil entered the world. God doesn’t “send” bad things to us but we still question why He would allow them to happen in the first place. That’s not a subject I really want to tackle because I don’t know that we can ever understand or answer that simply because we are not God and don’t/can’t understand His ways. But something I can understand as I read my notes from this study and compare my season with the wilderness is that God was leading them somewhere amazing but they were not ready to receive it. And so they wandered. Perhaps he is trying to lead me somewhere amazing but my heart has not been ready to receive it. Maybe it still isn’t. I think I will always have work to do as long as I’m alive, but I think I have taken leaps and bounds spiritually in the last few years. And it hasn’t been through words of affirmation, or lighting a candle and mediating. It’s been raw.
In 2022 I wrote a post titled, “If You’re In The Valley…”. The post was born out of grief and was written to encourage myself and others once I had reached a turning point toward healing. I want to use this post as one of encouragement as well, but it’s encouragement of a different nature than you might be used to from me. I like to be happy. I want everyone smiling all the time. I want to tell you everything is going to work out, keep your head up, and I’m here beside you cheering you on. And many times, that is exactly what we need in this life of difficulties. But sometimes, what we “need” looks a little different and is harder to hear than what we “want”. If you feel like you are in a season of waiting... If you feel like you are wandering in a wilderness… I want to pose these questions to you to hopefully help you find your way out:
Where are you seeking fulfillment? This earth will pass away and all the things of it. A record is only a record until someone else breaks it. Money earned is just as easily money spent and then it’s gone (or causing you more problems a.k.a. Boats, Cars, Houses, and all other things that damage or break down… This may also just be the life of the Woods and the Cherrys haha!). People are amazing until they hurt you. And they will. Intentionally or not. Being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, husband, father, son, or brother are all rewarding titles but they are not identities. If they are your identity then death can rip that away from you in an instant and with no warning. It is so unbelievably and incredibly fragile to build our identities and seek our fulfillment in things of this earth.
What do you have to be grateful for? I’ve mentioned this before on this blog because it is such a simple but important step when we are going through life and hardships arise. When I approach life from a perspective of gratitude my entire attitude shifts. I realize that life is hard, but I still have so much to be grateful for. The big things but even the simple things (like the comfort of a new dress on a day you ended up not feeling 100%). There are truly people out there who have it incredibly bad. And yet, I think even they can find something to be grateful for. If nothing else, when we wake up each day we can be grateful that we have a new day to hopefully try again or receive help and improve our circumstances because not everyone gets that opportunity.
Have you humbly looked at your own heart? Self evaluation is always important in any kind of relationship. We are never right 100% of the time. We are not always kind regardless of our intentions. We don’t always make the right choices whether we have all of the information or not. We are not perfect. And we don’t all struggle with the same thing. Humility is key. You can compare yourself to others and still look pretty good. But your heart can still be in pretty bad shape. You can talk the talk and even walk the walk but are you doing so for the right reasons? Maybe it isn’t even that you are doing it for the “wrong” reasons, you just don’t fully understand the right reasons. This question isn’t intended to shame you. It may do that. But it may also just bring to light the immaturity/shallowness of your faith. That’s not something to be ashamed of but it is something to work on.
Have you accepted and confessed the shape of your heart? This is the “more humility” bullet point above. It’s one thing to tell yourself what you need to work on. I do that a lot. I’m keeping it in the forefront of my mind, right? I won’t make that mistake again. Wrong. It’s another thing to write out your own responsibility in the situations you’ve found yourself in and the vast chasm between the type of person you’ve been and the type of person you want to be. I will definitely still make the same mistakes. I am not and cannot be perfect. But the difference when I make them is in my heart. Instead of “Oh man, I missed it!” (This is a joke between me and my sister which I will share at the end and it won’t be nearly as funny to you as it is to us and now I’ve totally taken away from my point), … I now see how badly I missed it and how far I have to go to get there, but I also have a path forward to correct it.
Do you want to grow and do you want to do so spiritually? Let me first say that if you are not a Christian, then I can’t really hold you to a standard of wanting to grow spiritually. I hope you want to grow. And if you have come to the conclusion that you want to do so spiritually, then I welcome that and invite you to learn more about that.
Because I am a Christian, life is still hard but I love God. I don’t know why some things have happened, but I know God is still good. I know if he didn’t exist, the bad things would still be happening and I’d have no redemption or hope in them having happened. I know I have a deficit that needs fixing and not only do I want to fix it, but I also know who I am looking to and asking for help from in order to fix it.
I’m not sure we are all on that same page. Some of us would rather sit in pity and turn to people or things that make our situations worse (or if nothing else leave our current situations the same and create new situations to deal with) than ask the hard questions, admit the hard things, and do productive work internally to fix things. Because sometimes that seems easier and less painful than growth. There is no way around growth being painful. But remaining stagnant in the wilderness or going backwards is more painful.
As I close this thought I want to say that I’m not telling you this as someone who is necessarily “out” of the wilderness. I haven’t received divine intervention and suddenly know and understand all spiritual and physical things. We don’t have a baby on the way or an adoption wrapping up. My friends and family and I have not all become immortal so I don’t have to run this risk of ever losing them or dealing with hurt and loss in the future. There is still so much that I don’t understand. But I am someone who has prayed and studied a lot trying to seek direction and comfort in a season of hurting and loss/wilderness wandering. And the wandering has brought me here. I may not be at the clearing yet, but I can hear the babbling mountain stream that lies just beyond. It could be a mirage (another joke, this time with my dad), but I know that I am headed in the right direction and seeking the right end point now and I believe even more so that God has amazing things ahead for me and was waiting until I was ready, my heart was ready, to receive them. And what an exciting thought to continue leading me out of the wilderness on.
This post is way longer than I intended for it to be but I promised you a funny and so a funny you shall get! While on a family trip driving down the highway, my mother was in the front passenger seat asleep. Snoring. She was not awake. A very old and cool car that I have no clue the year, make or model of passed us and one of us in the car ( me, my sister, or my dad) exclaimed “What a cool car!” as it drove past us. My mother, who had literally just snored, sat up in her seat and said “Where?” followed immediately by, “Oh man! I missed it!” and without any pause set her head back on the headrest and continued to snore. (I also said it wouldn’t be nearly as funny to you as it is to me.) I don’t want to leave my dad out so I’ll add a quick one about him as well. We climbed Mount Humboldt and entered the Fourteener club in 2014 ( I think). It was a fund day but a long day. I got altitude sickness. Like bad. We were tired. We were weak. We were trying to get back to the car. And I kid you not, at varying points along the last 5 miles of the trail my dad would say, “ I think I can hear the stream that was right by the start of the trail!” but he actually did not. Or “I think I see the glint from the cars in the parking lot just ahead!” but he actually did not. And when we finally did make it to the parking lot we were completely surprised and not expecting it at all. But it was glorious. And that story might actually be the best one to end this blog on anyway.
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