I remember when I started my first job just weeks before graduating college. It was at a local advertising agency in Searcy, Arkansas. I worked there for about a month when I was let go because they didn’t have enough work to keep me busy. I don’t know if that is true or if they were just being kind to my ego. I remember driving home and crying for about 5 minutes and then opening my laptop and resuming my job search.
I miss that girl. She was confident. Resilient. If something didn’t work out it was on to the next thing. No pity parties. Just do the next necessary thing. At 32, I’ve lost some of that.
Growing up, I lived a rather charmed life. My family wasn’t rich, but we had everything we needed and enough to still have some fun. I had a strong sense of community. Great family. Great friends, with great parents. A great church. Life was great. Nobody has a perfect life. But overall I was protected from pain, loss, and suffering. College was just an extended version of that same protection.
Fast forward to me at 32 going through one of the hardest years of my life to date. If you are my close friend you already know what the rest of this paragraph entails and can skip it. You are very likely my only readers, but just in case someone has stumbled upon this that doesn't know me or my recent experiences- keep reading. It started with the haunting decision to put our beloved dog Julie out of her misery in September of 2021. My grandparents passed away within days of each other in February 2022. My uncle passed away in July of 2022. One of my best friend’s battle with cancer ended in August of 2022. The day I left to go home for her funeral, my life-long neighbor and dear family friend passed away. Then we started September of 2022 off with another sudden loss I don't feel comfortable sharing here but just know it was hard.
You could say that our dog was 15 (old for a dog). My grandparents lived super long and very good lives. My uncle doesn’t have to struggle anymore. My friend isn’t suffering anymore and that my neighbor is made well and whole. All true. But my heart still hurts. That’s a lot of loss to process for someone who only ever lost one or two other people in her entire life.
Because now I know that when you experience loss, you feel lost. Bits of your identity are stripped away. Random memories are everywhere you turn at any time of day or night. Grief is an animal that cannot be controlled or contained. It doesn’t matter what comforting things people say. It doesn’t matter how close you were or weren’t to someone (Obviously the closer you are, the harder the loss, but it doesn't mean others are not affected in some way). It doesn’t matter how good their life was or wasn’t or where you believe they are going once it’s over. What matters is that they were here, they were a part of your life, and now they are not.
Someday, those words of comfort will matter. Someday those words of comfort will hopefully resurface in your mind when you are ready to hear them. But in the moment- while appreciated and still needed- they just don’t always help.
Being resilient only gets you so far in life. At some point- something will knock you down. Weariness will keep you from doing the next necessary thing. Guilt at moving forward will cripple you. Your confidence in yourself, and maybe in God if you are religious, will be shattered. What will you do then?
Encouragement doesn’t always have an answer. But encouragement does say keep going. It does say I’m here with you and to help you. You’ve got this.
If you’re reading this and you feel lost - pick your head up. You aren’t alone. You’ve got this. It doesn’t feel like it right now. It may not feel like it for a very long time. You may think you’re ready to move forward and something trips you up again. It’s ok. Tears aren’t a sign of weakness. A mental break is necessary from time to time. The world must keep spinning. It might make you angry. I get it. I’ve been there. But the other side of the coin is - it does keep spinning. Tomorrow will come. One day the tears won’t be quite so frequent. Eventually you will be able to put one foot in front of the other. Even if you can only take a few steps. One day you will notice the sun shining again and appreciate the flowers blooming. Find a way to make your days hold purpose. If that means comforting another friend, volunteering at an animal shelter or helping with a charitable need. Let yourself be reminded that the world is bigger than you- not to suggest that your problems are small- but to remind you that someone else is also hurting. Someone else has been through what you’ve been through and someone will go through it in the future. When you feel like giving up or shutting down, remember that someone else needs what you have to give. Your life matters. Your future matters. And it requires you to be here and be present. Hug your family a little tighter. Redefine your passions. Use this as an opportunity to springboard into your future. Don’t forget the lessons you’ve learned, not as an excuse to wallow, but as a reminder that life is precious and each second matters.
Finally, don’t let go of God. I have felt lost in times of my life where clinging to God was all I could do. I don’t know that I intend for this space to be a place for regular theological or religious conversations, but I do know my faith has gotten me through when times are tough and I would be remiss not to credit HIM for that now. I also know that I have felt lost because of God not doing things I needed or wanted Him to do. So I completely understand if God isn't someone you want to hear about right now. All I know to say from my experience is don’t stop talking to Him. Tell Him how you feel. Be honest about those feelings. He can handle them. If you’re clinging to Him- turn to scripture. If you feel lost because of Him- ask Him to keep an eye on you and to not let you wander too far. That thought might scare our well meaning family and friends. But God isn’t scared of our feelings. And know that God knows grief and feeling lost better than anyone else. (See His beloved creation rejecting Him. See the story of sending His Son to die for our redemption).
I know a lot of people who are grieving someone right now. There's nothing new under the sun. I don't think I am saying anything new or deeply profound. But I do think I'm a little more sensitive and empathetic to people who are grieving in my life right now and I want them to hear what they desperately need to hear in the moment they need to hear it. I don't think our society or culture is set up for people in mourning. Society has put rules and limits on things as a necessary means to keep society running; however, human emotion doesn't follow rules or have limits. So if this message applies to you I just want you to know that you aren't alone in your feelings. You are seen. Your grief doesn't have to fit into a box or be expressed in a certain way or pass within a given timeline. I can actually guarantee you that it won't.
If you know someone grieving right now- acknowledge their loss. We worry we might upset them on a good day when chances are- they aren't having good days. They are getting by as best as they can. Some days they do better than others. But every day they are thinking of what they've lost and every now and then a day is especially hard and gets harder when they think no one else remembers or cares. Let them know you are thinking of them. Whether it's been a few months, a year or two years. If the anniversary of a death has crossed your mind you can believe that the person closest to the situation is still remembering the loss as well. You don't need to invite them for coffee or over for dinner. Just a simple text or card letting them know you are thinking of them will mean the world and show them you care.
Sometimes acknowledging is all we can do, so I hope to do that for you here and encourage others to acknowledge their grieving friends.
Sincerely,
Someone who understands...
A song to help you through --> https://open.spotify.com/track/7r9kOxiNDnkAg5QKqtyjVk?si=05a53b4e54a745e8
Ideas to help you remember your loved one -->
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