I look back over my life and can think of things that I asked for that God answered. I can see things I asked for and He answered yes. I can see things I asked for and He answered no. I can think of one thing I asked for and he answered “no because here is something better.” As you’ve learned by now, my life has been pretty easy up until the last year or two. God answering no to something really only shook me to my core one time. That was the time He quickly gave me something even better. Maintaining faith in Him has been pretty easy for me. Until the day that it wasn’t.
In February of 2022 I received the call that my grandparents were both not doing well and had been put on hospice. I needed to come home. Both were at the end but my grandfather was approaching the end more quickly than my grandma. I begged God to let me make it home to say goodbye to him. I was one hour from their home when my mom called to tell me he had passed. They had already taken him away when I arrived and then I learned their wishes were to be cremated. I never got to see him again on this side of heaven. Maybe it is for the best. My family says it was for the best because he wasn’t peaceful and I wouldn't have wanted to see him that way. They are probably right, but that doesn’t help me feel closure.
One of my childhood best friends was diagnosed with cancer in February of 2021. We prayed, we cried, and we visited her in Texas during her radiation treatments at MD Anderson over the month of April 2021. Radiation took care of the tumor and we rejoiced. In July of 2021 the cancer was confirmed to have returned and it appeared aggressive. Still, we prayed and we hoped throughout each check up and prognosis report. Prayer turned to begging as the chemo treatments got harder on her and the cancer continued to grow marginally. I remember one day thinking selfishly that I wanted her here to share stories and make new memories until we were old and gray, but also I loved her and didn’t want her to suffer. Still, I prayed specifically for earthly healing. Her valiant fight ended on August 17, 2022.
Death is always hard but sometimes it is cruelly so. In the early days of September my extended family experienced another tragic loss. I’m not going to share the details of this experience. But let me just say there was a moment when my husband and I received a text while standing in the trim aisle of Lowe’s where we prayed. A passerby would probably not have noticed but in my mind for the rest of that shopping trip I wasn’t thinking about trim. I was repeating, “Please God, no. Don’t do this. Don’t allow this to happen. Please. Please. Please.” The following morning we received the news that our prayers were not answered.
I don’t want to share any of this for pity or to keep repeating the things that I have experienced over and over as if I am a martyr. But I want you to understand why, when my husband hugged me that morning after reading the text and said a prayer, for the first time in my life I literally thought, “Why? Why bother? No one is listening.” and I literally felt a wall go up inside of me around my heart.
Prior to this moment I had always been able to find the goodness, power, and ability of God. Probably because my life was super easy, but also because I had hope and faith that the things that were happening were in my best interest and somehow, someway and at the proper time I would come out ahead and be ok through whatever the circumstances. I knew other people that had lost loved ones and was able to take comfort knowing their family members were in heaven. I witnessed tragedies but I saw them bring families closer together. I don’t know. Really, I was just young and immature and aware of some things in the world but not aware of true pain and loss.
The recurring losses of 2022 were the first time I had not only lost people close to me but also the first time I had lost a loved one because a prayer had been answered no. This was the first time I was not able to see how the answer received was better than the alternative or how this benefited anyone in any way or could ever possibly be something that was positive. It was uncharted territory for me. Whenever I’d felt this sadness, confusion, or loss in my life before, I’d been taught to pray. I wanted to pray. Praying in those times had brought me comfort, clarity, and hope.
Not this time. I went for a walk later that morning and tried to pray. “God” was all I got out. I had nothing to say to Him. My sister told me that He could handle my feelings and wasn’t scared of hearing them. So finally I told Him how I felt. I felt mad. He wasn’t listening. He didn’t care. I didn’t know why I was even talking to Him. So I stopped talking to Him.
I continued walking thinking about creation, all the good things He has done for me and the prayers He had answered. I remembered verses of encouragement that breathed life into me in times that were hard. I thought of life with Him as my savior as opposed to the uselessness I’d feel if this life on earth is all there was.
And finally I prayed, “God, I just need time. Don’t let me wander far. Please help me to stay close to you. But give me time to trust you again.”
And I’ve prayed this same prayer many days since. I find myself starting a prayer about something and stopping short before I’ve asked for what I need or want. “He won’t listen. Can I handle it if he doesn’t do it again?”
We will never understand God. His ways are higher than our ways. His power is greater than we can ever comprehend. Human beings are fragile. Our feelings guide us more than they probably should. Our trust is easily broken. When we go through trials we want solid, concrete answers and unfortunately, we just won’t always get them. In fact we rarely will.
I can’t give you concrete answers here but I can say if you are on this path right now then I am walking alongside you. I can say there is hope at the end of the day. I am not out of the woods and into the clearing yet but I have seen a change over time in my heart. So, again, these aren’t answers, but these are the steps I took that worked for me and I hope they will bring you comfort in your storms of life.
Take A Minute- I want to point back to my prayer where I said, “Don’t let me wander far. Please help me stay close to you.” I think well meaning Christians make comments that are intended to encourage us but sometimes really make us feel ashamed or guilty for doubting when the truth is everyone of any acquired age has doubted God at some point in their life. I am not here to tell you to drop God altogether or to chase what the world has to offer. But I am here to tell you that humans can hurt. Our trust can be broken. And just like with any other person whose trust has been lost to you, it takes a minute to get it back. Shame, guilt, pressure, and forced relationships aren’t always healthy and they can be unhealthy in your spiritual walk too. Be honest with God. Tell Him that you need time. Tell Him how you feel. One of the best things about a relationship with God is that you don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed at how you are feeling. He isn’t going to argue or get defensive or gaslight you for your thoughts. Maybe you can’t find it in you to praise him right now and you definitely can’t ask him for anything or lean on him, but you can continue talking to him. Talking to Him about your hurt is far better than stopping altogether. But you also can’t stop here- this isn’t a one and done solution. Where I am at now is because I used each step expressed here collectively.
Acknowledge God In The Good- While I was walking that morning- the grass was green, flowers were in bloom, a cool breeze was blowing and the sky was blue with fluffs of white cotton candy clouds. It was a beautiful day. I was hurt. I was angry. I didn’t understand. But in between those thoughts, a recurring thought kept coming to me. “He made all of this for you.” I can’t blame God for the bad if I don’t also acknowledge Him for the good. I told you that I have for sure seen prayers answered positively and for my benefit. Don’t forget about all those instances because you are in a period of darkness. I don’t know that I officially offered prayers of praise and thanksgiving for the good around me over those dark months, but I did make it a point to acknowledge His work in the good even if all I did was think to myself- that’s from God. God did that. He made that. He created me. etc.
Find a Bible Study Specific To Your Situation- When you feel hurt by God and lack trust in Him- it would be natural not to want to spend time in His word. I decided to look for a Bible study specific to my situation so that I might find insight or comfort in understanding Him and His ways more. Your church class on Sunday morning or Wednesday evening, your mom’s group…all these things are good but not everything will always apply to your situation and sometimes that can make you feel even more lost and neglected. Take it upon yourself to find a study that deals with what you are going through and approach it with an open heart and mind.
Stick To The Big Picture- The gospel has been so skewed over time. And I don’t say that condemningly to anyone who has a different view than me. If you attend a book club on a fictional book you can quickly see how a group of people reading the exact same literary work end up with completely differing views. The same has happened with the words of the Bible. And some of the views that are shared either intentionally or unintentionally are hurtful to our spiritual walk. Definitely for people in a period of weaker faith. I am likely not ever going to get into doctrinal topics here because that is certainly not my strength and I will never claim to know God’s mind but I do think as you read the Bible with the big picture in mind you can see that God’s purpose in everything is to be reunited with his creation and for us to spend eternity in heaven with him. Everything he does in the big picture is working towards that goal. When we chisel out specific verses trying to apply them to our lives we miss the mark on what the big picture is and risk falling into false teachings like prosperity Christianity. We believe because God loves us, He wants us to get that promotion or the new house or will bless us with material things or health and healing. That does not appear ever to be the intent or meaning in the Bible. We are here to serve him. Not the other way around. God loves us so He wants us to be in heaven with him. And He uses who He can, how He can to make His purpose known and get us there. When He promises comfort in the Bible it is through hope of heaven. When He promises to take care of us He is not saying that harm will never befall us. He’s saying He has a plan and a way out of it eternally. When He mentions peace He isn’t saying wars will never break out on this earth. He is saying He has already won the only war that matters- the spiritual and eternal war over evil. Love is kindness and goodness and edification but it also hurts. If you don’t believe me on that- would you encourage or intentionally let your children play in traffic, swim in a deep end of a pool without floaters before they've had swim lessons, or get water near electrical things?No. Because you love them. Does that upset them when that is what they think they want to do in that moment? Does it make them angry with you? Yes. But you know it is for their safety and it is because you love them that you keep them from it.
Don’t Isolate Yourself from Others.- I point back to my prayer again where I said “Don’t let me wander far. Please help me to stay close to you.” In one way I was asking God to keep my heart from getting too hard and in another way I was letting Him know I needed people in my life to encourage me when I was starting to feel hardened. And don’t you know He showed up for me in this way. I committed myself to communicating with friends and God committed to sending me people right when I needed them most. First and foremost I have to thank my husband for being a solid and grounding rock for me over that year and always encouraging me through scripture, prayer and understanding. Additionally, I’ve had conversations initiated by friends who didn’t know what all I was going through that ended up encouraging me. I’ve received cards and texts unexpectedly. God doesn’t want me to wander either and He is seeing to it that I am held close. And might I also add that if you are a friend that someone going through a dark time is confiding in, please read “Thoughts on Empathy” and “Rejoicing And Weeping And Doing It All Together” a.s.a.p. because how you respond to them could make or break them.
Like I said, I can’t give you a concrete answer, but I can say as someone walking this path alongside you- pray that prayer. When you feel like God isn’t listening to you anymore and praying feels pointless- pray that prayer. Let him know you need time. Ask Him not to let you wander too far. Ask him to put people in your life that will point you back to Him. Tell Him how you feel and why you feel that way. But also, take time to write down the good things He has given you. Go spend time in His beautiful creation. Maybe you can’t fully pray to Him just yet, but you can acknowledge Him in your life through your surroundings and this beautiful earth He created for us. Find a Bible Study specific to your situation. Do something to keep your heart from getting hardened because the reality of this life without the hope in Him is much worse than the reality of this life WITH the hope in Him. Sing hymns. Listen to the Christian radio station.
I can’t tell you what your story will look like, but I can say that so long as you stay in communion with Him the prayers will eventually return. The peace may not last every day, but it will come from time to time when you need it. This probably isn't the answer you were looking for. Allow yourself the time to grieve. But make sure you have a plan in place to not stray too far. Don’t isolate yourself from your friends. Keep talking to Him somehow even if you can’t say much, and come back to Him just as soon as you’re ready.
A prayer from me- over you -->
Dare I share another jewelry store with you? I came across this in my battle over my heart and mind. I've been wearing a bracelet I picked out every day and it helps. I hope if you need it, then you can find something you like here that will help you too. -->
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