This was supposed to have been scheduled for Monday, April 17th but I mistakenly scheduled it for today. I'm glad because it gave me the chance to think about it some more and realize that this is part one of a two part post. And so it begins...
I’ve started two or three different blogs under different titles and finally realized they were all leading me here. Getting comfortable in the waiting. We are an impatient culture. I think a little by nature but even more so with the introduction of technology and having everything at our fingertips. Waiting is hard when we are waiting for our pizza to be ready or at the doctor's office. But waiting gets even harder when life sends you a season of waiting.
My sister says I’m determined. She might be right. I wouldn’t categorize myself as an achiever and I wouldn’t say I do stuff irrationally or without a plan. But when I decide I am going to do something, I do it. I don’t mess around. I may think about it for a long time before I take action. But when my mind is made up- it’s made up and moving forward is the only option. This has made my particular season in life a bit of a challenge.
When you are a kid you want to be a teenager. When you are a teenager you want to be in college. When you are in college you want to get out there and make a name for yourself. When you get out there and start working toward making a name for yourself you meet someone and want to get married. Then you want to start a family. Maybe you’re working towards a bigger house, then retirement. And soon life has moved right along and you’ve been living in highs and lows of the past 20-30 years without even realizing it. But what about those of us whose life seems to have stalled? We grew up. We went to college. We got the career and we met the one (or maybe you’re still looking). We are hustling in a career but we are starting to forget why. We are watching others get married, start the family, buy the house and live the dream feeling like we will never get there. We are trying and we are waiting and we are getting no results and we are starting to feel left behind and out of sorts in this phase of in between. Our prayers have gone unanswered (or “answered with not yet”) and we try to keep faith but it’s just a sticky place to be.
When I started this blog I thought all my titles would start with “If” which would make the title of this one, “If you’re in the waiting…” . Unfortunately, I am still in my season of waiting so I don’t have very much hope to offer you about coming out the other side. What I do have is a new view on my season of waiting that I am hoping I can engrain deep in my core rather than let it flit in and out. When we see wedding photos and pregnancy announcements all over Facebook, or perfect and beautiful houses flash in front of our eyes, or listen to hustler culture telling us we can achieve and have everything we want if we just put in the time- the waiting can make you angry and bitter. It can also just be frustrating for someone who is a planner and always ready to move on and conquer the next thing on the list (really for everyone but this character trait of mine is not helpful).
Our lives are so short. When you wait on a pizza you know what the end result is. Pizza. When you wait on life, you don’t know and can’t predict what the end result will be until you realize it is ending and now you’ve missed the time in between.
In September of 2021 we were adopted by a cat we call Cory. In 2022 I experienced a lot of loss. In March of 2023 we adopted a sweet dog named Doug. A family hasn’t come yet. We discovered our house has foundation issues which will have to be fixed before we can sell if we want to get anything at all for our house whenever we do. I spend more time at work than I do on things that inspire me or bring me joy (which I think is probably just life for everyone). And I won’t lie, some days I get pretty down about my life right now (even though I still have it incredibly good. It’s a mental battle not a physical battle). Things just don’t look how I thought they would when I was working towards what I wanted my life to look like. And I don't feel like the actions I am taking to get myself there are working and in some instances I'm not sure it's worth trying anymore, at times.
But then… Matt texts me about having “stir fry Friday” and game night date night. Or Cory crawls up in my arms and falls right to sleep with his head under my chin. Or Doug comes in from a day at work with Matt and his eyes visibly light up when he sees me. Or we spend an evening going through Facebook memories and pictures from past vacations and reminiscing on all the fun we had. Or I sip on a delicious cup of coffee looking at the beautiful farm scenery right in my backyard! And sure, my house is creaking because the foundation is failing (HA! I laugh so I won’t cry), but boy is our “someday” nursery going to look great with the combination of our hardwood, rug, and old pictures found in my Grandparent’s garage. I really want this paragraph to be a lot longer since this is supposed to be the joy filled part of this message, but I also don’t want to bore you with the tiny details of my life.
My point is- when we let ourselves consume and focus on the timeline of everyone else or even just what we thought we wanted our life to look like regardless of anyone else’s timeline- we take away from what our life is. People wiser than I am will say that there is a lesson in the waiting or God is pruning you to become something better while you wait. I think I would agree with them because I have learned things and I do think my heart is changing to make me better. But I don’t think my lessons have been brought on BY waiting. Honestly, I think my lessons have been brought on by grief. But in experiencing grief I’ve learned that I better get comfortable and learn to enjoy this season of waiting because once each day is gone, it won’t be coming back. I can’t make a pizza cook any faster. I can’t always figure out or control what lies ahead for me. All I can do is get comfortable right here. I can have taco Tuesdays and stir fry Fridays and appreciate a husband who loves a themed meal as much as I do (because I really do feel like I lucked out on that. It’s got to be a rare find, haha!). I can take my dog on a walk and appreciate the beauty of a perfect spring day. I can put off chores because Cory is sleeping across me puffing out the tiniest little snores. And I can make my house a cozy and well-loved home whether it fits in with the latest interior trends or not. My life and this season may look tiny or lacking to some people, but all the tiny little pieces that make up my life are pretty huge to me and I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything.
So today, I’ll wake up and I’ll do what I do. And tomorrow I’ll do it too. I’ll still make goals and have dreams that I work toward, but I won’t let timelines and expectations or what others have keep me from appreciating what I have or don't have. I’ll work hard because it’s my character. Not because I’m trying to get ahead. I’ll focus on appreciation and gratitude daily. I’ll plant flowers every spring and sip coffee on my deck. I’ll start a garden and other projects I’ve been wanting to try. And I will probably still get frustrated from time to time, but I hope when that hits I can instantly remind myself that every day I spend in this season of waiting is a day someone else sadly didn’t get the opportunity to wait for.
-Monica
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A song for some fun while you're in this season -->
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